We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
