got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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