i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
