I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later