I met the friendliest cop last night
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
