Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
