You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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