If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
