winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
