We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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