yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
