Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
