Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just invented taco cereal.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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