Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You pole danced in your parka.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
