Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
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I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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