Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji