he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is