I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
