Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
