well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
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After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
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So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.