Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
