In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
