omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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