Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
