what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
