I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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