dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
