I'm drive I can fine osifer
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
