Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
