i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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