On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
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im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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