Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
