I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
