i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
