Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
