dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
