I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
