He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
