Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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