probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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