I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
no you cant smoke seaweed
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
