You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
