My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
