did you get engaged???
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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