I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
