Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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