does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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