well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize