plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
