I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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