I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
