you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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