He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
