I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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