I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
