Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
